No Dana Only Zuul

E/N and How it Changed My Life - Part 3

It was a risk to go live with a friend from the internet I only ever met once before, but what most people don’t understand is that we all were online a lot. We talked a lot. We shared a lot of our lives together through our sites and livejournal.

Not completely unrelated, but a bit before I was going to move was also the time I also stopped having a cam site. I continued to, what was then finally called “blogging,” but that was it.

By moving to Northern California, my life completely changed.

My friend not only helped me have a place to live, he helped talk me through everything that was going on. Remember how I said my self-esteem was better, but my assertiveness needed some work? My Father was always so controlling to the point that I never asserted myself. Even in my personal relationships, I had difficulty asserting myself. I was the girl who would always bend to what they’d want, to always want to make them happy and not consider myself, and I would never say “no.”

After the first few months of living with him, and him learning more about what I was going through, he made me realize that I was being manipulated. My Father was one thing: he was an obvious emotional problem for me but he was outright with his cruelty at that time. But my friend? She was a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

Eventually I had the courage to stand up to her and the friendship ended.

I felt shaky at first. Not speaking to my family at the time and then not having my long-time best friend around made me feel a bit empty. Not being friends with her meant not being friends with a lot of others due to her either being related to them and because she was the type to call everyone and tell them how awful I was. I wasn’t going to try and call everyone to tell them she’s a liar, so I let it be. But that also meant a lot of long-time friends were gone. Without family and without those friends, I felt like I had no foundation.

But as always, the internet was there. I had the friends I had made through the net to support me.

Finally when I was back on my feet, it was time to move in to my own place. I ended up getting an apartment with someone else I met through the net! We met because he found my cam site. We were friends many years before and met once when I was living in SoCal. It was thanks to him that I didn’t have to move in with a total stranger!

I then made an effort to try and meet new people since I was starting anew. However, I did this by signing up for a website called Yelp. I have a hard time meeting new friends in-person. I find it easier to converse and express myself through writing on the net (obviously, ha). So I first starting using Yelp to write reviews and talk to other people through the message board there. Then I started to consider going to the meet-ups users would post on the site.

Everyone was friendly and encouraged me to come meet them, but I was petrified. I almost bailed. It takes me a bit to open up to people in-person. To this day, I still have to remind myself on being vocal and saying things face-to-face to really share my feelings with people. But, I took a deep breath, and forced myself to go and meet people in-person after all.

Fast forward to current time.

Right now.

I am finally back in school, pursuing web and mobile development. Makes sense, no?

I’ve always loved video games and things that are generally considered geeky. But it was something that I kept to myself - and thus sometimes talked about it on the internet only - before moving to Northern California. Everyone I knew before had little to no interest in those things, so I shoved my own interests in a dark corner. Once I started anew, I was able to finally feel safe and fully embrace those interests without feeling like I have to shove them aside.

My self-esteem and assertiveness, while they are always in need of some work, have vastly improved over the years.

I have made many wonderful new friends. Some I actually met by meeting them while out and about in the real world, others that I knew from E/N that I kept touch with. Some of those E/N people live near me, and we still get together to hang out. I’ve also made a lot of friends with mutual interest thanks to sites like Twitter.

I have a little brother and it broke my heart that not speaking to my parents meant not being able to speak to him. I am again on speaking term with my parents. I adore my little brother to pieces and I cannot begin to tell you how great it is to have him in my life. I have forgiven my Father. We get along quite well now. I have a better relationship with my parents and extended family in general.

I am living with my fiancé. We met at a happy hour that was posted on Yelp.

We got engaged while on a vacation in Mexico.

We have been together for almost four years.

So how did E/N change my life?

I wouldn’t have moved up to Northern California without my friends help. I wouldn’t have met that friend without that message board. I wouldn’t have been on that message board if it wasn’t for that other girls cam site. I wouldn’t have known about that girls cam site if I was never exposed to it and became a part of it. None of this would have happened without E/N, a hugely important catalyst in my life.

Me, right now? This is the most myself I have ever been.

I am the happiest I have ever been.

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E/N and How it Changed My Life - Part 2

Thanks to having a cam site, I also learned about message boards. I did participate in a message board before having a site - I was obsessed with the Beastie Boys as a teen and started posting on their site when I was 15. But otherwise, I never really realized that message boards existed everywhere.

I mostly lurked the other cam site message boards, but I did eventually join one called Oish. It was owned by another cam girl that was very popular at the time, and those of you reading this who were in the “scene” definitely already know who I am talking about.

Anyhow, one day, someone stumbled upon my cam site and emailed me about joining a message board they were on. I was resisting joining yet another message board at first, but I did venture on to it after all.

Being on these message boards resulted in a lot of friendships. Many friendships that I still have today. Many of the people I met through the boards I have met in person, have hung out with in person, and still see from time to time. I even ended up dating someone I met on one of those message boards for many, many years. I moved out of my parents house for the first time and lived in DC for a year.

Some photos when I lived in DC, still doing the cam girl/site thing:

And I would have never found out about those message boards, or met any of the people I did, or moved to DC, unless I had a cam site.

Fast forward to the end of my time in DC in 2004. Notice that photo in the left hand corner above? Drastic changes to my hair was definitely indicative of where I was at in life. I was confused and not sure what to do about my life. I moved back to Southern California.

Back in SoCal, still updating my cam site…

Between 2005 and mid-2007, there was a lot of self discovery. DC was the first time I lived outside of my parents home, and after a temporary stint back in their place when I moved back, I left the house again. Going from little freedom to a lot of freedom meant I was partying a lot. It was the kind of partying that I do not at all regret though. I was finally able to get it out of my system. I was thankful that I never did anything more than drink. It was the kind pf partying you expect an early 20-something year old to do.

Lots of party time for early-20’s Crystal. I shake my head, but I smile a little bit at it too…

Fast forward to late-2007. Things fell apart financially. I was sick a lot. I lost my job. I did the painful thing and moved back in with my parents to both save money and return to school. That fell apart too, as my Father was still very controlling. In a nuthshell, despite the fact that I did everything he asked, including pay him rent, he didn’t like that I left the house ever to socialize. To him, no matter what, I should be in the house and only leaving for school or work, period. As I mentioned, he was always very strict. I thought me being older would change that. It did not.

He kicked me out and gave me two days to move out. I already spent money I saved up to get back to school so it meant I was left with no more than maybe a few hundred bucks in the bank, and no where to live.

I was on a friends couch, trying to get things together. There’s another part to this story about the friend I was staying with, but it’s long. Just know that she manipulated the fact that I loved her deeply as my friend, and was using it to guilt me in to thinking that I wasn’t doing enough for her.

My relationship with my Father, him kicking me out, and feeling like I wasn’t a good enough friend put me in a very deep depression.

Referring back to E/N, many of us from those days eventually started posting on livejournal. More and more people were using the internet which meant we couldn’t just share what we were feeling anymore without consequence. I wrote out a lot of my feelings over the years on livejournal. Many of my livejournal friends were the people from E/N and people I met through message boards thanks to E/N.

Things got so dark for me that I kept having bad thoughts. The situation I was in made me feel so worthless. Each day felt darker. Each day I drank heavier to make it go away, only to wake up and feel bad again. I tried to mix the drinks with a prescription pill because it would make me feel elated. Of course, the next day I would feel the worse. I tried not to ever be alone because every time I was, I’d have terrible thoughts about hurting myself.

Eventually, I wrote a post on livejournal that I was afraid to be left alone, because I was afraid that the next time it would be more than hurting myself. I couldn’t stop thinking about ending it all. I knew that soon enough I’d do something to end my life.

Many friends through E/N and the message boards tried to console me. But one friend in particular took it a step further. He offered to fly me out of Southern California to live with him temporarily while I get my life back together.

To be continued in part 3 soon…

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E/N and How it Changed My Life - Part 1

What is E/N? Check out this post for some background. There was a time when people used to make updates and it wasn’t called a blog. We’d include a still image cam with it, and so many of us were called “camgirls.”

Before I get into that though, I’m going to start with my background.

My parents were young when they had me. So, being young and inexperienced parents, they sometimes went a bit overboard with how much they sheltered me. My Dad was very much in to technology however and our first computer was a used Apple IIe. Our house always had a computer in it ever since. Eventually, I ended up with a computer of my own at the age of 12. Then, my Dad got the internet.

This was a revelation for me. From the age of 12 throughout all my teen years living with my parents, the internet was how I socialized. I wasn’t allowed to go to parties or much of anything really, but at least I was still able to talk to people through the net. I always had some trouble talking to people in real life, but by using the internet to chat, it gave me some practice. In all honestly, the internet is what got me through high school. I was awkward. I did have friends, but I didn’t have the experiences that most do in high school partly due to my strict Dad, and partly due to the fact that, well, I was awkward:

I am definitely going to regret posting those, but I feel it gets my point across about me being awkward.

I didn’t have the best self-esteem.

Anyhow, towards the end of high school, I started getting a little less awkward:

But even then my self-esteem was still shaky.

After high school, I was still living with my parents and had a bit more freedom, but there were still restrictions that kept me home a lot.

Around this time, I found out about webcams.

I don’t at all recall who it was, but I once was chatting someone around this time and turned on my webcam. He then mentioned that I should start a site with a cam and linked me to one. I really wish I could remember who he linked me to, but I do recall thinking how beautiful I thought she was. I started clicking around and found several cam portals that featured stills from many other girls websites. I was astonished by the numerous amounts of pretty girls. I then told him that I am not pretty enough to have such a site myself. He disagreed, probably being one of the first men to ever tell me that I was pretty (because believe me, that was never uttered out of anyone’s mouth before that time - did you see my high school photos above? heh). He kept encouraging me to start a site, and I eventually caved in as I figured it wouldn’t hurt to just try it out.

I was on the fringes of this “scene.” I definitely followed several girls and their blogs but I was too afraid to really talk to any of them one on one. I admired them. My Mom didn’t have much guidance from her own Mother with regard to beauty and such, so I learned a lot from other cam girls about beauty and make-up. I finally started to break from my awkwardness.

When I did eventually get a few followers on my own site, I was surprised. It was nice to be able to talk to others through writing, to have them actually listen, and sometimes to even support and encourage me. Having a cam site boosted my self-esteem. And I’m not only talking self-esteem as it related to boys at the time. I’m talking about having enough self-esteem to function as a halfway normal person. I still had a long way to go with assertiveness, but I credit having a cam site to helping with the first step of having some sort of self-esteem.

To be continued with Part 2 shortly. :)

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