It was a risk to go live with a friend from the internet I only ever met once before, but what most people don’t understand is that we all were online a lot. We talked a lot. We shared a lot of our lives together through our sites and livejournal. 

Not completely unrelated, but a bit before I was going to move was also the time I also stopped having a cam site. I continued to, what was then finally called “blogging,” but that was it. 

By moving to Northern California, my life completely changed.

My friend not only helped me have a place to live, he helped talk me through everything that was going on. Remember how I said my self-esteem was better, but my assertiveness needed some work? My Father was always so controlling to the point that I never asserted myself. Even in my personal relationships, I had difficulty asserting myself. I was the girl who would always bend to what they’d want, to always want to make them happy and not consider myself, and I would never say “no.”

After the first few months of living with him, and him learning more about what I was going through, he made me realize that I was being manipulated. My Father was one thing: he was an obvious emotional problem for me but he was outright with his cruelty at that time. But my friend? She was a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

Eventually I had the courage to stand up to her and the friendship ended. 

I felt shaky at first. Not speaking to my family at the time and then not having my long-time best friend around made me feel a bit empty. Not being friends with her meant not being friends with a lot of others due to her either being related to them and because she was the type to call everyone and tell them how awful I was. I wasn’t going to try and call everyone to tell them she’s a liar, so I let it be. But that also meant a lot of long-time friends were gone. Without family and without those friends, I felt like I had no foundation.

But as always, the internet was there. I had the friends I had made through the net to support me. 

Finally when I was back on my feet, it was time to move in to my own place. I ended up getting an apartment with someone else I met through the net! We met because he found my cam site. We were friends many years before and met once when I was living in SoCal. It was thanks to him that I didn’t have to move in with a total stranger!

I then made an effort to try and meet new people since I was starting anew. However, I did this by signing up for a website called Yelp. I have a hard time meeting new friends in-person. I find it easier to converse and express myself through writing on the net (obviously, ha). So I first starting using Yelp to write reviews and talk to other people through the message board there. Then I started to consider going to the meet-ups users would post on the site.

Everyone was friendly and encouraged me to come meet them, but I was petrified. I almost bailed. It takes me a bit to open up to people in-person. To this day, I still have to remind myself on being vocal and saying things face-to-face to really share my feelings with people. But, I took a deep breath, and forced myself to go and meet people in-person after all.

Fast forward to current time.

Right now.

I am finally back in school, pursuing web and mobile development. Makes sense, no?

I’ve always loved video games and things that are generally considered geeky. But it was something that I kept to myself - and thus sometimes talked about it on the internet only - before moving to Northern California. Everyone I knew before had little to no interest in those things, so I shoved my own interests in a dark corner. Once I started anew, I was able to finally feel safe and fully embrace those interests without feeling like I have to shove them aside.

My self-esteem and assertiveness, while they are always in need of some work, have vastly improved over the years. 

I have made many wonderful new friends. Some I actually met by meeting them while out and about in the real world, others that I knew from E/N that I kept touch with. Some of those E/N people live near me, and we still get together to hang out. I’ve also made a lot of friends with mutual interest thanks to sites like Twitter.

I have a little brother and it broke my heart that not speaking to my parents meant not being able to speak to him. I am again on speaking term with my parents. I adore my little brother to pieces and I cannot begin to tell you how great it is to have him in my life. I have forgiven my Father. We get along quite well now. I have a better relationship with my parents and extended family in general.

I am living with my fiancé. We met at a happy hour that was posted on Yelp.

We got engaged while on a vacation in Mexico. 

We have been together for almost four years. 

So how did E/N change my life?

I wouldn’t have moved up to Northern California without my friends help. I wouldn’t have met that friend without that message board. I wouldn’t have been on that message board if it wasn’t for that other girls cam site. I wouldn’t have known about that girls cam site if I was never exposed to it and became a part of it. None of this would have happened without E/N, a hugely important catalyst in my life.

Me, right now? This is the most myself I have ever been.

I am the happiest I have ever been.