Thanks to having a cam site, I also learned about message boards. I did participate in a message board before having a site - I was obsessed with the Beastie Boys as a teen and started posting on their site when I was 15. But otherwise, I never really realized that message boards existed everywhere. 

I mostly lurked the other cam site message boards, but I did eventually join one called Oish. It was owned by another cam girl that was very popular at the time, and those of you reading this who were in the “scene” definitely already know who I am talking about. 

Anyhow, one day, someone stumbled upon my cam site and emailed me about joining a message board they were on. I was resisting joining yet another message board at first, but I did venture on to it after all.

Being on these message boards resulted in a lot of friendships. Many friendships that I still have today. Many of the people I met through the boards I have met in person, have hung out with in person, and still see from time to time. I even ended up dating someone I met on one of those message boards for many, many years. I moved out of my parents house for the first time and lived in DC for a year.

Some photos when I lived in DC, still doing the cam girl/site thing:

And I would have never found out about those message boards, or met any of the people I did, or moved to DC, unless I had a cam site.

Fast forward to the end of my time in DC in 2004. Notice that photo in the left hand corner above? Drastic changes to my hair was definitely indicative of where I was at in life. I was confused and not sure what to do about my life. I moved back to Southern California.

Back in SoCal, still updating my cam site…

Between 2005 and mid-2007, there was a lot of self discovery. DC was the first time I lived outside of my parents home, and after a temporary stint back in their place when I moved back, I left the house again. Going from little freedom to a lot of freedom meant I was partying a lot. It was the kind of partying that I do not at all regret though. I was finally able to get it out of my system. I was thankful that I never did anything more than drink. It was the kind pf partying you expect an early 20-something year old to do.

Lots of party time for early-20’s Crystal. I shake my head, but I smile a little bit at it too…

Fast forward to late-2007. Things fell apart financially. I was sick a lot. I lost my job. I did the painful thing and moved back in with my parents to both save money and return to school. That fell apart too, as my Father was still very controlling. In a nuthshell, despite the fact that I did everything he asked, including pay him rent, he didn’t like that I left the house ever to socialize. To him, no matter what, I should be in the house and only leaving for school or work, period. As I mentioned, he was always very strict. I thought me being older would change that. It did not.

He kicked me out and gave me two days to move out. I already spent money I saved up to get back to school so it meant I was left with no more than maybe a few hundred bucks in the bank, and no where to live.

I was on a friends couch, trying to get things together. There’s another part to this story about the friend I was staying with, but it’s long. Just know that she manipulated the fact that I loved her deeply as my friend, and was using it to guilt me in to thinking that I wasn’t doing enough for her.

My relationship with my Father, him kicking me out, and feeling like I wasn’t a good enough friend put me in a very deep depression.

Referring back to E/N, many of us from those days eventually started posting on livejournal. More and more people were using the internet which meant we couldn’t just share what we were feeling anymore without consequence. I wrote out a lot of my feelings over the years on livejournal. Many of my livejournal friends were the people from E/N and people I met through message boards thanks to E/N. 

Things got so dark for me that I kept having bad thoughts. The situation I was in made me feel so worthless. Each day felt darker. Each day I drank heavier to make it go away, only to wake up and feel bad again. I tried to mix the drinks with a prescription pill because it would make me feel elated. Of course, the next day I would feel the worse. I tried not to ever be alone because every time I was, I’d have terrible thoughts about hurting myself.

Eventually, I wrote a post on livejournal that I was afraid to be left alone, because I was afraid that the next time it would be more than hurting myself. I couldn’t stop thinking about ending it all. I knew that soon enough I’d do something to end my life. 

Many friends through E/N and the message boards tried to console me. But one friend in particular took it a step further. He offered to fly me out of Southern California to live with him temporarily while I get my life back together. 

To be continued in part 3 soon…