What is E/N? Check out this post for some background. There was a time when people used to make updates and it wasn’t called a blog. We’d include a still image cam with it, and so many of us were called “camgirls.”

Before I get into that though, I’m going to start with my background.

My parents were young when they had me. So, being young and inexperienced parents, they sometimes went a bit overboard with how much they sheltered me. My Dad was very much in to technology however and our first computer was a used Apple IIe. Our house always had a computer in it ever since. Eventually, I ended up with a computer of my own at the age of 12. Then, my Dad got the internet.

This was a revelation for me. From the age of 12 throughout all my teen years living with my parents, the internet was how I socialized. I wasn’t allowed to go to parties or much of anything really, but at least I was still able to talk to people through the net. I always had some trouble talking to people in real life, but by using the internet to chat, it gave me some practice. In all honestly, the internet is what got me through high school. I was awkward. I did have friends, but I didn’t have the experiences that most do in high school partly due to my strict Dad, and partly due to the fact that, well, I was awkward:

I am definitely going to regret posting those, but I feel it gets my point across about me being awkward.

I didn’t have the best self-esteem. 

Anyhow, towards the end of high school, I started getting a little less awkward:

But even then my self-esteem was still shaky.

After high school, I was still living with my parents and had a bit more freedom, but there were still restrictions that kept me home a lot.

Around this time, I found out about webcams.

I don’t at all recall who it was, but I once was chatting someone around this time and turned on my webcam. He then mentioned that I should start a site with a cam and linked me to one. I really wish I could remember who he linked me to, but I do recall thinking how beautiful I thought she was. I started clicking around and found several cam portals that featured stills from many other girls websites. I was astonished by the numerous amounts of pretty girls. I then told him that I am not pretty enough to have such a site myself. He disagreed, probably being one of the first men to ever tell me that I was pretty (because believe me, that was never uttered out of anyone’s mouth before that time - did you see my high school photos above? heh). He kept encouraging me to start a site, and I eventually caved in as I figured it wouldn’t hurt to just try it out.

I was on the fringes of this “scene.” I definitely followed several girls and their blogs but I was too afraid to really talk to any of them one on one. I admired them. My Mom didn’t have much guidance from her own Mother with regard to beauty and such, so I learned a lot from other cam girls about beauty and make-up. I finally started to break from my awkwardness.

When I did eventually get a few followers on my own site, I was surprised. It was nice to be able to talk to others through writing, to have them actually listen, and sometimes to even support and encourage me. Having a cam site boosted my self-esteem. And I’m not only talking self-esteem as it related to boys at the time. I’m talking about having enough self-esteem to function as a halfway normal person. I still had a long way to go with assertiveness, but I credit having a cam site to helping with the first step of having some sort of self-esteem.

To be continued with Part 2 shortly. :)